Moving forward

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind. I still have to remind myself that I am no longer pregnant (not that I've really changed anything, except discontinued the meds). Tuesday I was told that we needed to schedule a D&C ASAP and I was able to get in to see a doctor for a "pre-op" that same evening. Tuesday night I didn't sleep, I remember dreaming about the doctor finding a heartbeat right before the procedure and I remember dreaming about the procedure over and over, and then I laid awake the rest of the night. 

Wednesday morning I went in for the D&C. The thought of what happens during a D&C and what could happen as a result, although unlikely (touching the cervix, puncturing or scarring the uterus, not getting "everything" and having a repeat, etc.) was what scared me the most. Truthfully it was MUCH better than I had expected. My mom brought me and it was done and over with before I even knew it (thanks to the anesthesia) and I went home to rest for the day while my mom took good care of me. It wasn't painful and I've had minimal bleeding and cramping, so I'm feeling pretty good. Emotionally, Tuesday was the worst day with the initial shock of realizing the loss and I think it's best that it's over with after having the procedure almost immediately so I know that we can move forward in the near future. I also think it was best so I wouldn't have to live each day in fear of the impending miscarriage. T & Y have been so supportive and caring, I can't even put in to words how thankful I am to have them as my team, they will make such wonderful parents and I can't wait to be the one to help them become a family. They made a very good point and said that the worst has already happened (the loss) so there are only good things to come, and they're right, we're very optimistic.

I go back to work on Monday, if it hadn't been for the medications that I need to be on after the procedure (made me feel dizzy, tired, and nauseous), I would have gone back to work immediately. It helps that my co-workers can understand the situation and they are very supportive. 

If all goes well with the healing, I will need to get two periods before we start meds for another cycle and prepare for the transfer (so January or February, if we're lucky!). I am ready to jump back on the horse and make these guys Daddies.

Thank you all for your kind, supportive, thoughtful, and loving words, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. I'm sorry for the intended parents (now parents:) and surrogates who have suffered losses and it helps to know we're not alone and that there can be a happy ending. 

Melissa, I'll always appreciate your advice and support, thank you for the shout-out and I hope you have a blast visiting those adorable babies and their daddies!

Time to take a sick day :(

Today I had an appointment for a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork. I went in to my appointment with optimism and good feelings. I knew that there were things to be concerned about from the last appointment, but I had this feeling that everything would be "ok" today. Wrong.

The RE at the monitoring clinic was the one to perform the ultrasound. The minute I saw the screen I could tell, "no cardiac activity". Those words stung more than I had ever anticipated. I might have anticipated never getting a BFP or a positive beta. Even after a positive beta I might have anticipated the first heartbeat ultrasound revealing that there wasn't a heartbeat, but THIS, having a "strong" heartbeat and then no heartbeat at all, I never anticipated. I know it's "part of surrogacy" and happens to surrogates. I read about it a lot, and yet you never expect it to happen to you. I certainly didn't. I realize it's most likely an embryo issue and had nothing to do with "me", but it still hurts.

I didn't even reach the parking ramp before I broke down in tears. I sent a quick message to a couple of people who were anxiously waiting to hear. I decided to take the rest of the day off of work and cried all the way home.

I'm so afraid of the impending miscarriage and have so many questions about it (I hope to hear from my RE soon). I wonder, how soon can we start everything again? But then I hate the fact that we're starting ALLLL over again and I feel like we've made it THIS far. I'm already thinking "how will I take another week off of work, how will I have someone care for my son for one whole week, how will I get this far again without feeling paranoid and anxious because of what happened?" 

I think it will help to read others' experiences because I know they're out there and I'm not alone. I know I'll feel better tomorrow.  I am so lucky for all of the supportive friends and family, I can't even begin to describe the warmth I feel from them, thank you all.

Trying to stay positive

The doctor called yesterday (later in the day, didn't have a chance to include this in my original post) and he sounded pretty concerned about the measurements. I was surprised to hear him sound concerned, he's always been the positive one to tell me not to worry about anything. The first words out of his mouth were "so they seem to be concerned about the smaller measurements". I wasn't sure who "they" were because I thought "he" was the only person that mattered and the nurse who performed the U/S said herself that the heartbeat is reassuring and that she wouldn't be worried. Now, I understand she could have been telling me this because I'm not her patient and she wanted the Doctor's opinion, but she convinced ME, THEE Worrier, NOT to worry. The Doctor also said that it could be an embryo issue and to continue taking my meds and go in for another U/S in 10-14 days. 

I went straight to the computer to look up others who have experienced smaller measurements this early on but turned out to be just fine (I didn't find many that had a good result). I started counting on my fingers and trying to reason with the measurements, "it was just 9 days between scans, it grew 6 days "bigger", that's not THAT bad", and "maybe it was just curled up a little so she didn't get the entire measurement from head to toe", whatever I can wrap my mind around. Basically, I'm going to drive myself, along with everyone around me, crazy for the next 9 days.............sorry! I can't help but worry now :(

Heartbeat Ultrasound - take 2

Today we had a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork to check on the progress. As hard as I try to read the nurse's face when she initially looks at the ultrasound image, I give up within 30 seconds and blurt out "everything look ok? Is "it" still in there? Is there a heartbeat?". I can tell she's amused (or maybe annoyed?), she smiles and nods and says "yes" and that she's checking on everything. 

When I went in for my last ultrasound, the gestational age given by the transfer date had put me at 6w5d, but the measurements were putting me at 6w3d (not a big difference, totally normal). This time the gestational age given by the transfer date put me at 8 weeks and the measurements were putting me at 7w2d, so I'm a little concerned about that, but the nurse said that the heartbeat is reassuring and that's the most important part at this point. I decided to settle with the statement "in a normal pregnancy, we wouldn't be monitoring like this, and it would be totally normal because we would never know".........I'm ok with that for now.

I'm feeling more and more tired every day and sometimes regretting having eaten more than I should have (when normally I would feel just fine). I'm also feeling light headed quite a bit....so 7 years ago is ALLL coming back to me now :). I'm still hanging on to hope that I can just skip the whole nausea/sick part. Here's to hoping!

1st ultrasound

October 10th - first ultrasound, we were all looking SO forward to that! I went to the monitoring clinic that I have been going to for this entire process. The first person I see in the clinic is the "bad" nurse (by bad, I just mean that drawing blood is not her strongest point). Mid-draw, the nurse asks "so what type of treatment plan are you on". I asked what she meant by that and she asked if I was going to be an egg donor or a surrogate or what. HUH?! Keep in mind, she has the orders which clearly state "estradiol, progesterone, and P-R-E-G-N-A-N-C-Y ultrasound" right in front of her. When I explained that I was there for my bloods and my very first pregnancy ultrasound to detect heartbeat, she had this very confused look on her face and said "oh, we don't do those". WHAT?! I think I've been doing a very good job of keeping my cool for the most part, with all these hormones and being just plain pregnant, but this annoyed me. The crazy hormonal pregnant part of my mind actually thought, "I'm not leaving without the ultrasound, I'll do it myself!". But lets get real, I left the clinic and let my coordinator know that the clinic does not do these ultrasound for people who are not "their" patients. Of course the only thing I wanted to do was pout and cry. I really feel that the hormones do not affect me until plans change. When plans change, things get pretty ridiculous.

Having a rockstar for a coordinator helps tremendously; I was able to get in for my ultrasound at another clinic just a couple of hours later.

I wasn't able to view the screen, so I was trying to read the nurse's expression and seeing her squint was making me nervous. I finally asked "so..can you see how many are in there? Do you see a heartbeat? Does everything look ok?". Her answers: "yes, I see one fetus and everything is measuring right on track". Phew! What a relief!

Here is a pretty little picture of what I hope will turn out to be one very healthy baby :)

Blood robbers, betas, and boobs

Rewind back to when I initially began my monitoring appointments prior to the transfer. Before this process began, one of the things I secretly hated the most was having my blood drawn. I've always managed to keep my cool and pretend everything is fine, while in my head I'm freaking out and dread every single moment of it; the tying of the rubber band, the tapping on my vein, the cold feeling and smell of the alcohol swap (because I know what follows), the term "here's a little stick", the TERM stick, the initial stick, sitting there and hoping they're almost done and don't have to stick me again, and the feeling of the needle coming out and having to put pressure on the gauze afterwards. Oh and just the mere SIGHT of the bruise afterwards as an ugly reminder of something I absolutely despise. For most people, having their blood drawn is not this complicated. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I'll never forget when I was about 10 or 12 years old and some pregnant lady told me that you have to have your blood drawn a lot during pregnancy, my first thought was "well I'M NEVER having children then!". I know I mentioned this in my post about my first appointment at La Jolla because the nurse had to draw 7 vials and I couldn't (and still can't) get over how she managed to draw that much blood while I laid there and didn't feel a thing. Almost every time I have my blood drawn, for my own purposes and for the surrogacy, I know there is a strong chance that I will wind up feeling faint, see spots, go pale as a ghost, get all sweaty, with my head between my knees, and about to pass out (or worse, actually pass out). So far, I haven't had any issues with the blood draws and I've even graduated from laying down for them to sitting in the chair like a normal person. That was until I had a different nurse at the monitoring clinic who drew my blood a couple of weeks ago, it hurt like hell for some reason, and it left a really nasty blood blister and bruise. Every appointment thereafter I crossed my fingers that she wasn't the one to draw my blood. Nice lady......but drawing blood is definitely not a strength of hers. I remember when she was getting everything prepared and how she was fumbling, I could just tell it wasn't one of her better skills. Monday the nurse I usually have was trying to find another vein to use because my one and only was so bruised and abused. Ick. She wound up using it anyways. I think the phrase "one and done" was all she needed to hear from me and she decided to just go with it :) This morning while sitting in the waiting room, I wondered "where are they going to try to draw from now?", because, yes, I seriously worry about this way too much. I'm also nervous and have adrenaline rushing through me because TODAY is THE day. Wouldn't you know it, in walks the "nurse from blood drawing hell". She's really a nice lady, I just don't want her drawing my blood. I couldn't fathom hurting her feelings and hoped that the last time was just a bad day for her. Let's be optimistic! Well, it wasn't the case, today was just as bad. I want to throw up just thinking about it.

Fast forward to 11:30am; my phone vibrates and it's La Jolla. I wasn't expecting them to call so early. In fact, I had planned to take a very long lunch just so I could sit in my car, in privacy, and wait for the call just in case the results weren't what I wanted to hear. When I picked up, my co-workers came into the room to hear the results right along with me. I was SO nervous. My heart was in my throat! The results...........197! They more than tripled in 72 hours! That's SO wonderful! It sounds like we have one comfortable little embryo sticking around for the long haul :) I know that T&Y are hoping for twins (one from each), and I would love to give that to them, but at this point we're all happy just to have a positive with a behaving beta! 

Over the past few days I've been feeling a lot of cramping and have been holding on to hope that it's a little one or two making some room in "here". I chalk most side affects up to the meds at this point, although I don't have very many, thank God! For side affects, I am currently experiencing; big, sore boobs (I'll take what I can get, thank you very much!), acne, and that's about it! Now if I could just keep the boobs and lose the acne we'd be golden!

I have a repeat beta on Monday and then I'm not sure whether I'll have another one or not within the week. I seriously hope not. Can they just put a port in my arm?

Beta, beta, who's got the beta?

7:15am, blood drawn, check! The monitoring clinic happens to be just 2 miles down the road from work, so I made it to work very early to get some things done and wait..........and wait.........and wait. By the time the mid afternoon rolled around, we decided to look into what was taking so long to get the results. The lab claimed to have sent the results and the clinic claimed that they still hadn't received them..........several times over the next hour until FINALLY, my phone rings.......it's Dr. Smotrich and he sounds so nice, as always. He says my beta number is 58.........what?! I seriously felt like someone just punched me in the gut. I understand that "anything over 50 is considered positive", but I hear beta numbers coming in to our agency all the time and 58 was the lowest "positive" if it is even positive. I was expecting the numbers to be at least double that at this point, or simply nothing at all. I was expecting a "yes, you're really pregnant!" or a "no, I'm sorry, you're not, but we'll try again soon", not this "well, you COULD be, we'll know more Thursday." I still don't know how to feel and I've had a full nights sleep. I know I feel bummed, sad, and anxious for Thursday to come. I also told the clinic that I think it would be best if they were the ones to tell my IPs. My IPs were on a long flight back to Israel and would be returning around 7:00pm (my time) tonight.............or so I thought! My phone rang at 7:45am and it was them, wondering what the results were. I did my best to stifle my disappointment but it was hard. I told them that I am cautiously optimistic and that Dr. Smotrich is, too. I feel bad that I don't have the exciting, promising, long awaited results to share with them after their long trip home. I had envisioned what it would be like to tell T&Y good news, and this was nothing like what I had hoped. But they said they are with me 100% and that is exactly why I feel that I couldn't have been matched with a better couple.......they are simply amazing and so supportive. All of my friends, family, co-workers, Melissa, I am so thankful to have people cheering me on and supporting me, I couldn't ask for a better support system.



Thursday can't come soon enough!

During the 2 week wait and my butt

After returning home from La Jolla, we were exhausted and Terry caught one of the millions of sicknesses that everyone seemed to have on the plane and everywhere else, ick! He's been out of work for the past 3 days and I have managed to squeak by without catching anything so far, although I've been suffering from a tremendously sore behind from my PIO. It got to the point where I could barely stand it (painful, not just sore), so I took the nurse's suggestion and planted my butt on a heating pad for an evening and BOY did THAT work wonders! I could barely move yesterday and today I feel "normal". My nurse also requested a picture of my butt to show her where I've been injecting the PIO and Delestrogen. For those of you who do not know me very well, I am extremely self conscious of my butt (so much so that I never allow Terry a direct visual of my butt). Although I hide it well in clothing and I'm average.......my butt is not. It has absolutely no shape to it at all and plenty of fat on it, it's just plain ugly to me. So it took me approximately 29 shots with the camera before I finally found an angle that would show the areas that I circled and also made my butt look "ok" :). I sent the picture from personal e-mail address to my work e-mail address so I could send that to her once I returned to work the next morning. When I opened my work inbox today..........it was no where to be found. All I could think was "oh...my.....God.......someone, somewhere, has a picture of my naked circle-filled, heat-pad burned ass, in their inbox!!". I double checked and sure enough I had sent it to the correct e-mail address, it just didn't make it to my work inbox. So my co-worker said "hmmm, must be something wrong with the server, can you show me the e-mail you sent from your home e-mail account?" First words out of my mouth is "ok, before I do that, I have some explaining to do........the picture is of my butt and....so on and so forth". Good thing my co-workers work along with me with women who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant........we have seemed to have heard and seen almost everything, so a picture of my butt was really no big deal.

Now on to the good stuff! I took a home pregnancy test (hpt) on Monday evening and it was POSITIVE. I took one on Tuesday and the line was even darker. Today......even darker. My beta blood test to confirm pregnancy is on Monday the 24th and this will be the "official" pregnancy test. My intended parents are not aware that I chose to test at home with hpt's and I have not and will not tell them that I have tested until AFTER it is confirmed by blood test. The reason that the agency and other surrogates choose not to tell their intended parents (and intended parents choose to have their surrogate keep this information to themselves) is because a beta blood test is really the only way to know for sure if the pregnancy is truly "viable" versus a "chemical pregnancy". We need to see the beta numbers double every couple of days to ensure a viable pregnancy, whereas hpt's only pick up the hormone HCG and it could be a very low level of HCG but it still shows up positive on a hpt. Yes there ARE such things as false positives! I just hope I'm not one of them!

I have included a picture; it is of the 6dp5dt (6 days post 5 day transfer - which basically means it is 6 days after my embryo transfer).

I'm excited, thrilled that this could quite possibly be IT, overjoyed for my IPs and can't wait to find out on Monday what my numbers are! I had a dream before we even transferred that my beta number was 393, which is pretty high for a first beta - so I'm not counting on that :). 

I'm also tired (but that's typical for me) and although I'm not nauseous, I don't have an appetite. My boobs are bigger (NO complaints there!), and I'm having the wonderful hormonal break-outs, but nothing too terrible. I feel full in my abdomen and remember this feeling when I was pregnant with Kaleb.

Until next time!

Embryo Transfer, bed rest, 2WW, oh my!

Tuesday, September 11th, we flew from Minneapolis to San Diego. After we checked in to our hotel, we sped off to my appointment at the clinic for another quick ultrasound and blood draw. I was SO relieved to hear that my lining was looking great and that everything was still on track to transfer on Wednesday. We went back to the hotel to get ready to meet my T & Y for the first time and boy was I nervous! "What would they think? Would there be awkward silence?" Those feelings were quickly put to rest when I went in to the lobby to meet them and hug them for the first time. First of all...........they are TALL! They had told me earlier that they are tall, so I jokingly worried about how big the baby/ies would be. They handed me a gift (skin care products from the dead sea, I remember a friend telling me how much she loved hers so I'm really excited to try it when I get home!).

We decided to walk around the harbor to check things out and then headed to find a place to eat. We wound up eating at this Italian restaurant that seemed very "weird" because it was in the back of a deli. I'm pretty sure T & Y were not too impressed, but the portions were fit to feed an army and it really was great food. T & Y are such great people and have lots to share. I still can't believe how lucky I am to be matched with them.

Wednesday morning we headed to the clinic for the transfer. Terry, T & Y were in the room with me during the transfer and for the 30 minutes of rest time afterwards while I was tipped somewhat upside down :). The procedure itself lasted about 10 minutes and was painless. After the transfer, the physician said a prayer in Hebrew (T & Y are Jewish) and then wished us good luck. It was really an emotional time for all of us. The physician and embryologist gave us pictures of the embryos and of my uterus after the transfer. 

Now I am on day 2 of bed rest with about 35 hours to go................but who's counting?! We've watched movies, ate home made food that T & Y brought when they visited, slushies (we're having those now), napped (just did that again), and have tried to enjoy this down time that I've never had before. I will admit, I'm antsy and would love to lay out in the sun while it's so beautiful here. But watching movies and eating in bed for 3 days isn't so bad, either :)

Here's to being optimistic that these "babies" will stick on the first try and we'll be 38 weeks from meeting them :)

Less than one week and it's GO time!

Yesterday was my last monitoring appointment before going out to the fertility clinic. After each appointment, I patiently (just kidding...I'm bluffing, I'm definitely not patient) await my phone call from the nurse to tell me what the next step will be. I've been nervous about my uterine lining for the past 2 weeks. I feel like I should FEEL different and that the delestrogen injections couldn't possibly be THIS easy. How the hell did I get off scott-free from any side-effects? I deal with tiredness on a daily basis anyways, so I'm going to chalk my drowsiness up to my usual tiredness plus seasonal allergies. Over the past two monitoring appointments, I've learned that my uterine lining went from 6.9mm to 7.86mm. I keep hearing "10mm is ideal", so of course I have this swimming around in my head, too. Always something to worry about because I so badly want this to work for all of us!

My phone rang and it was the doctor himself. He said that the egg retrieval will be on Friday so that means the embryo transfer will happen on the 12th (Wednesday) instead of the 13th. GASP! The nurse talked to me afterwards and explained the new medications that I will be taking, starting tomorrow (Friday). I will start the intramuscular injections of Progesterone in oil (PIO), prometrium, an antibiotic, and a steroid. I will be on the PIO and prometrium every day for several weeks in to the pregnancy. Progesterone and prometrium are supposed to "trick" my body into thinking it's pregnant and to fluffen my uterine lining even more to create a nice little temporary home for these embryos. The anti-biotic and steroid are to prepare for the embryo transfer and I believe it is to help prevent my body from fighting the new inhabitants :). The most common complaint in regards to PIO is getting lumps in the butt (the oil is thick and it leaves lumps even after massaging), and bruising. Now that I've been on delestrogen injections for a couple of weeks, I'm not as nervous about intramuscular injections, but I'm not making any promises about not whining about the lumpy butt and bruising. Thankfully I have more than enough butt to find new injection sites every day!

My intended parents Skyped me this afternoon to tell me that they had lunch with their donor (she's not anonymous, obviously). Everything went well and they seem nervous and excited. We were hoping to have at least a full day before the transfer to meander around and get to know each other, but now it seems that we will be pushing it for time and they will have to see me laid up in bed at the hotel while getting to know me better.

Now my lovely coordinator has to try to bump up my flight to La Jolla to accommodate the change in plans :).

I'm nervous, excited, in disbelief that this is finally going to happen for all of us, anxious, and did I mention nervous........yes :) 

Estrogen, estrogen, and what? Oh...MORE estrogen!

I had another monitoring appointment today and when the nurse performing the ultrasound told me that my uterine lining was 6.9, my first thought was that it wasn't quite thick enough. I know, I know......what MORE can I worry about?! I'll always find something!

The nurse from the fertility clinic called and told me that my uterine lining is a bit "thinner than what we want right now", so I'm going to increase my dose of estrogen AND start wearing estrogen patches. WOOOOO! That's a LOT of estrogen! Here I thought I was lucky for not feeling the typical side-effects that others feel. I also felt as though the intramuscular injections were too "easy" and too "painless", that we might not be getting it all the way in to the muscle. My blood work shows that my estrogen levels have definitely increased (from 42 to 417!), but my uterine lining isn't responding like it should. This has been a big concern for me all along as I've heard of surrogates who weren't able to proceed with a transfer due to the their body's lack of response to the meds. I've thought for a while "what if I don't respond to the meds and my lining doesn't thicken?". The nurse re-assured me that it IS in fact responding to the meds, but we're going to increase the dose and add some more estrogen to make sure we're at the point that we need it to be for the transfer. Everybody...........you've been warned!!! :)

A quick explanation for estrogen and why it is important for my uterine lining to thicken; estrogen helps thicken the lining (as does Progesterone, which I start pretty soon, too), which gives the embryos a nice "cushy landing spot" and increases our goal of achieving a pregnancy. 

 

First intramuscular injection down....several more to go

I had my monitoring appointment today; they did a vaginal ultrasound to check my uterine lining (looks pretty fluffy in there, which is good for potential babies), and my ovaries (still don't understand the need for this, we're not USING my ovaries). They also drew blood.........this is something I will battle with forever I'm sure. It's a 50/50 chance that I'll wind up doing a face-plant on the floor when I have to have my blood drawn. But today was a good day, I didn't feel a thing:).

I received the call from the fertility clinic a few hours later to give me the "go-ahead" to start my intramuscular injections of Estrogen. "My" coordinating nurse at the fertility clinic, described the steps to giving this injection. She asked if I would have someone helping me, to give me this injection. I said "I'm not sure yet.......we'll find out how the first one goes!". I was SO relieved to find out that the reason there were TWO different needles for this injection was because the BIGGER one was to DRAW the medicine and the SMALLER one was to INJECT it. Phew! So all day I've been wondering "what's this going to be like?". I drew the meds and made Terry read the directions.........a few times. We paid special attention to the part where it said "stick quickly". He had to tell me to quit laughing so I'd quit jiggling (this was nervous giggling..........not "hey, this is fun" giggling"). I'm pretty sure he was as nervous as I was, but he wouldn't admit it (probably a good thing that he didn't admit it at that point:). He cocked the needle to the side and said "should I inject it like this, or like this?" Neither one of them looked good to me! But, it was so quick and painless! I couldn't believe it! Assuming we hit the right spot every time, this will be an easy bed time routine! Afterwards, Terry said "I don't know why, but I feel queasy". Good thing he has 4 more days to re-cooperate :)

Fast forward -> Meds, meds, and more meds

Wow has the summer gone by wayyyyyy too fast! I won't even begin to explain how sad that makes me feel, I love spring and summer more than anything. I'm just glad I have so many things to look forward to over the next..........10 months, assuming everything goes well. I have this lingering feeling of "what if my body doesn't do what it's supposed to?"...........I need to get over that quickly.

So, lets brief over the past 2 months: In June I flew to the clinic and had my check-up, which I blogged about just before this post. I received a phone call from the clinic on 8/2/12 to learn that the donor had been cleared to proceed.........along with the rest of us - WOOO HOOO!!! T&Y were over the moon, I could hear it in their voices over the phone and I could read it in their messages to me. The transfer is set for 9/13 or 9/14.

I started birth control pills, baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins that evening. The birth control is to sync my cycle with the donor's and my fingers are crossed that my cycle will cooperate.

I received the rest of the medications via FedEx on 8/10/12 and words can not express how excited I was to get those. First of all, the box was like the "black hole" - a never ending supply of pill bottles, syringes, alcohol prep pads, oils, etc. It meant "the beginning of something amazing", and it was also a little scary to see those intermuscular syringe needles. But it made everything a little more "real", for me. 

I had my first "monitoring appointment" on 8/13/12 to measure my uterine lining. I assume all was "good" because I received a call from the nurse at the fertility clinic with the "go-head" to start my Lupron. Lupron is a medication that is used to control ovulation and it is given via subcutaneous injections. I was warned by the nurse of the possible side effects; nausea, moodiness, dizziness, headaches. I've read quite a bit about other surrogates' experiences with Lupron and their side effects and those are the ones that seem the most common. I give myself the injection after work around 5:00pm every evening and tonight will be my 5th day. So far, I've experienced; a headache, which probably had nothing to do with the meds since I get headaches periodically anyways - nothing an Excedrin couldn't kill; a bruise at one injection site (won't be using that area again! Ha!); some dizziness a few minutes after the injection; and I'm just going to pretend that my moodiness over the past week has EVERYTHING to do with the meds - today is my worst day in regards to moodiness but I have a feeling the weather has more to do with it than anything else. So, in all honesty, I don't feel much different and I'm expecting it to gradually show its effects with each passing day. Not to be a Debbie Downer, I just think it's better to be prepared :)

Mine and Terry's flights are booked to go to La Jolla 9/11-9/17. We plan to spend time with T&Y on the two days before the transfer - probably the San Diego zoo one day and maybe dinner and walking around another day. I will be on STRICT bed rest at the hotel for 3 days following the embryo transfer, before I'm allowed to go home. I had been pretty excited about the idea of sitting in bed and relaxing until one experienced surrogate mentioned not being able to shower during that time........WHAT?!?! So I quickly came up with a solution and decided that Terry will have to give me sponge baths in bed because there is NO WAY I am laying in bed for 3 days without at least SOME form of washing. Is it weird that I'm one month away from this amazing experience and all I can fret about is the fact that I won't be able to shower?! I plan to spend the first day off bed rest, taking a shower!

I'll have more to blog about when I start my estrogen injections (those are the big ones), next week. Terry will be administering those to me in my butt cheek..........lets hope there isn't a whole lot to blog about next week ; )

Until next time..............

6.20.12 - Check up in California

I haven't updated my blog in a while because there wasn't much excitement to add to it. This is very much a hurry up and wait type of thing and I tell this to a lot of our potential surrogates that are coming through the agency. I don't mind waiting, I have the best IPs a surrogate could ever ask for :) For my birthday they sent me a bouquet of BEAUTIFUL purple flowers (purple IS my FAVORITE color.......they had no idea...I give them extra points for that one:). They are already so wonderful and very thoughtful. I couldn't ask for better, I adore them already. Although, it is always difficult for me to accept a gift. I am so very grateful that it was me that they chose to go through this exciting journey with them. I really hope that I'll be the one to help them become parents.

On Wednesday, June 20th, I flew to CA for my check-up at the fertility clinic. It was a very LONG day for many reasons, but very worth it and I'm happy to have had the experience. I chose to do it all in one day because I thought it would be less expensive for my IPs (no hotel, no more meals, no more lost wages than just the one day, etc.), and I thought it would be better for me to only be gone for the day because of work and family.

When I finally arrived at the clinic (I say finally because it was a miracle that I even made it there after everything!), I met with the staff and the Dr. They are all absolutely wonderful and took very good care of me.

First, I had the dreaded blood draw. When the nurse took me back to draw my blood, I casually mentioned to her that I was informed that they needed to take a LOT of blood for this, and that I'm a fainter. It's not the needles that I'm afraid of, it's the fact that it's going into my vein and no matter how calm I am during the blood draw, I almost always wind up white as a ghost with my head between my knees for the next 30 minutes...........and sometimes I even wind up on the floor. Ugh.

The nurse was very kind and had me lay down. I think she was expecting me to freak out, throw a tantrum, and thrash around like a 5 year old - which I DON'T ever do.......instead, I secretly freak out inside of my head........that way, it's much quieter and it's only me that gets freaked out, not the entire staff :) She stole 7 vials of my blood and I didn't feel a thing! Can't I just fly out to CA every time I need my blood drawn?! Apparently I'm not the only patient that's amazed by her skill, she was once told by another patient that she's a good prick, ha ha!

After my blood work, the Dr. completed a pap, vaginal ultrasound, looked inside my uterus with a scope (hysteroscopy) and used a "test" catheter. I have no idea why, but I was shocked to see that both of my ovaries were still in there. I thought for sure they would have spontaneously combusted by now. Isn't that what happens when you've been pulling your hair out and challenged by your child every single day since birth? Guess not.........my mom had three of us! I learned after my first :), and I'm only half-joking, HA!

After the pap and the ultrasound, the Dr. put a small scope up into my uterus to ensure that there weren't any polyps. He said it looked very healthy. Sounds like the baby/babies will be very happy and comfy in there when the time comes! He also put a "test" catheter in through my cervix just to make sure he wouldn't have any trouble when it comes time for the transfer. All of that took about 5 minutes............when I mentioned how quick it was and that I was surprised, he reminded me that it wasn't a social event..........very funny:). He also made the comment "I can see how you get pregnant so easily"..............I was a little confused, we had already talked about my ONE and ONLY pregnancy, and that comment made it sound like I was Mother Hubbard. But I'll admit, my one and only pregnancy did happen quite easily.

After all of that, we went back to the Dr.'s office and sat down so he could draw up a medication protocol for me when it comes time to prepare for the transfer. It was what I expected after having heard from other surrogates through our agency who have been to the same clinic, but it was great to hear all of this from the Dr. himself.

I made it home, tired and worn out, but very excited to be "on our way" to the next step! Now it's up to the guys to find their egg donor (they've had some set backs with the ones they had chosen originally). Although I'm VERY eager to move forward and finally get to the transfer, I also understand that this is a big decision for them and that they need to choose wisely. I'll be excited for them when they can finally find one that they will be happy with and ready to move forward with.

I'm really looking forward for Terry and I to be able to go back to CA when it comes time for the transfer. We'll get to meet the guys in person and spend some time with them and we'll also get to explore a little before the transfer, and hopefully enjoy a nice walk on the beach!

Right now, it's looking like a September transfer at the earliest if the guys select a donor by the end of the month.

Stay tuned for more news later on!

Intended Parents - T&Y

The matching coordinator asked me one day "do you happen to have any potential surrogates completing the screening process who fit these requirements - at least 5'6", Minnesota resident, willing to carry twins, etc.". I thought for a moment, double checked the list of ladies that I had been working with - nope.........wait.........yes, me! She instructed me to finish the screening process, which meant; psychological evaluation and our physician's approval of my pregnancy and delivery records. I completed both before my profile was sent to these potential intended parents. I took a peek at their autobiography and decided that they were definitely worth getting to know.  Although I'll be honest, the thought of carrying twins scares the crap outta me - I will probably mention that a LOT during my posts.

The matching coordinator, intended parents (T&Y), and myself, introduced ourselves to one another over the phone on 4/2/12. We each had a list of topics to consider and I already had a few questions in mind. My initial impression of them was that they were very nervous and quiet. Although they are not from the United States, their English is even better than a lot of Americans I know. As our conversation progressed, we became more comfortable with each other. We discussed our lifestyles; mine is plain and boring, which is good for being a surrogate:), my job, the potential hospital and delivery room arrangements, etc. When I said "I would like you to be in the room to welcome your child/ren"........the sound of relief, pure joy and appreciation in their voices, made me melt. I hadn't put a lot of effort into my hair that morning, but at that moment I had really wished we were talking via Skype, just so they could see how much they made me smile during our conversation. These are my parents!

I often describe the matching process to potential surrogates when we talk during the intake call, but until 4/2/12, I wasn't able to speak from experience. We have a long road ahead of us and I am not one to throw caution to the wind with these things. I wasn't even planning to start "publishing" a blog until after I could positively say that I had peed on a stick and had a positive result (or hundreds of them, because I'm sure that's what I'll do). But I'm just so excited and I think getting to this point is even exciting in itself. Of course I look forward to the future and my only true hope is to be successful in carrying a baby (or two) for these wonderful people. I want to turn them from intended parents into parents.  

The screening process

I began the screening process with IARC in the spring/summer of 2011. Initially I had intended to fill out the application and gather my materials, send it back, and move on with the rest of the process. But I was under a lot of stress at work and while it continued to worsen, I made the decision to place my status "on hold". My thoughts at that moment were: "ok, I'll continue to look for another job and once I re-gain my sanity (or as much as I possibly can at this point!), I'll continue the process". I continued to casually search for positions that I thought I would enjoy and know a little bit about. I'm NOT a fan of change and will avoid it at all costs. This definitely includes employment. I have a degree in Law Enforcement and entertained the idea of picking up where I once left off, applying for open Police Officer positions. All I knew for sure was that I was incredibly unhappy with my employer and that I needed to go somewhere else. When I saw the post for IARC's Surrogate Coordinator position, I applied with the impression that, because they were giving kudos to those that were bilingual, I didn't stand a chance. I know a little bit of Spanish......Muy Bien! Oh, and let's not forget that I can sign the alphabet - that doesn't help, does it?! Fast forward to when I had my interview with "the girls" at IARC. They were wonderful and I could totally see myself working with them. I came from a place where I was the only employee, and while I sometimes enjoy working alone, I missed the friendship that I once had with co-workers. I was offered the position (obviously, here I am!), and gladly accepted. There was a LOT to learn and I guess I came to the right place! I completely expected my initial desire to be a surrogate to be crushed and completely sabotaged by knowing what "really" happens behind the scenes of surrogacy. I was wrong. Not only was I still interested, I was determined. After learning the ropes a little bit and settling in as best as I could, I approached the director, Steve, with my hopeful intentions of moving forward with this "journey". There was some discussion to be had between my co-workers, but in the end we agreed that this could happen.

How it came to be

People often ask, "how did you become interested in surrogacy"? I'll keep this short and sweet - I've known about surrogacy for about 10 years now, although not much in the beginning, it was enough to get me interested in the idea and it continued to grow on me. I came to know the International Assisted Reproduction Center (IARC) as I began screening as a potential surrogate. It was only afterwards that IARC became more than an agency for me, they became my employer. It's important for people to understand that my interest in becoming a surrogate came before my employment as a surrogate coordinator and educator. The reasons for wanting to be a surrogate are simple for me; I wanted to help create a family while also enjoying the experience of giving such a gift. I'm what you would call an "altruistic" potential surrogate. This isn't about money, gifts, etc. For some surrogates, it is, and it's incredibly hard for me to comprehend how they can sleep at night.........but I DO realize that we all have our own opinions and reasons for doing things so I'll concentrate on mine:)

My intentions are to blog my experiences as a surrogate so others can learn, laugh, and join in while I do something I have only dreamed of doing, until now! I truly hope that this will be a very positive experience for everyone involved. I'm excited, anxious, nervous, happy, giddy, and ready to get this show on the road!