Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Time to take a sick day :(

Today I had an appointment for a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork. I went in to my appointment with optimism and good feelings. I knew that there were things to be concerned about from the last appointment, but I had this feeling that everything would be "ok" today. Wrong.

The RE at the monitoring clinic was the one to perform the ultrasound. The minute I saw the screen I could tell, "no cardiac activity". Those words stung more than I had ever anticipated. I might have anticipated never getting a BFP or a positive beta. Even after a positive beta I might have anticipated the first heartbeat ultrasound revealing that there wasn't a heartbeat, but THIS, having a "strong" heartbeat and then no heartbeat at all, I never anticipated. I know it's "part of surrogacy" and happens to surrogates. I read about it a lot, and yet you never expect it to happen to you. I certainly didn't. I realize it's most likely an embryo issue and had nothing to do with "me", but it still hurts.

I didn't even reach the parking ramp before I broke down in tears. I sent a quick message to a couple of people who were anxiously waiting to hear. I decided to take the rest of the day off of work and cried all the way home.

I'm so afraid of the impending miscarriage and have so many questions about it (I hope to hear from my RE soon). I wonder, how soon can we start everything again? But then I hate the fact that we're starting ALLLL over again and I feel like we've made it THIS far. I'm already thinking "how will I take another week off of work, how will I have someone care for my son for one whole week, how will I get this far again without feeling paranoid and anxious because of what happened?" 

I think it will help to read others' experiences because I know they're out there and I'm not alone. I know I'll feel better tomorrow.  I am so lucky for all of the supportive friends and family, I can't even begin to describe the warmth I feel from them, thank you all.

4 comments:

  1. so sorry to hear about your m/c. i was prego, as a surro, with identical twin girls and m/c in march at 7 1/2 weeks. i was devastated! i kept thinking i did something wrong to cause this. just know it is nothing you did! sometimes little beans aren't compatible with life (i know it doesn't help to hear that right now). i had a d&c 2 days after the u/s showed no cardiac activity. it was quick and painless. so sorry for your loss. hang in there!

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  2. So sorry you have to go through this. We also lost the heartbeat on the 2nd ultrasound. We were able to transfer again, frozen cycle, in just three months. Now we have a five month old boy as a result. Time will fly and you will get pregnant again :)

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  3. I'm sorry, sending love and strength to you and your IPs.

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  4. I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry to hear this news. I hope things get better quickly and that everyone can recover from this loss.

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