Oh what hormones will do to a person

Just a forewarning; I'm incredibly emotional and hormones are playing dirty tricks on me. 

I've lost track of how many ultrasounds I've had so far, but I can tell you that I've had 2 already this week. Tuesday's was the one I last shared and today I had one because I started bleeding again yesterday. Like usual, it came out of nowhere, I felt the twinges and pain that I now associate with "I'm about to blow" and then it happened, while I was at work and very unprepared. I had one "diaper" on me (I call the massive pads diapers, because lets face it, that's what they feel like) and had to run to the store for more. I didn't even want to move it hurt so bad. It has taken a toll on me, emotionally, as well. I broke down and cried at work and again today while I think about how frustrated I am. I went home early today as I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to sleep, but couldn't after all.

I wasn't able to get squeezed into the fertility monitoring clinic today so we had to settle for the imaging center that did my first ultrasound. I begged the tech. to skip the "ovary check" this time as it's truly unnecessary and they are the only ones who have done it, they have to dig around to find my ovaries and it does a number on my cervix. I was already in so much discomfort in that area. She kind of hesitated and then reassured me that she'd only look at my uterus. Both babies are doing well. I'm not sure if the machine was off or if it's true, but they were measuring 1 and 2 days ahead. The bleed is much bigger. The ultrasound tech. informed me of this and then I took the liberty of looking at it, myself. It is now surrounding the sacs as well as the rest of my uterus. At this point I kind of knew to expect that it was going to be the same, or possibly bigger as it has been growing, but I wasn't going to settle for a simple one-liner e-mail from the nurse coordinator today, I demanded answers.

The nurse practitioner called me from the clinic and informed me of some things that we already kind of knew. She said that 1 of 3 things should/could happen. 1.) the hematoma could be absorbed by my body and go away (which we're already noticed, isn't happening), 2.) I could continue to bleed like I have been, regularly (I'm really not sure I could handle another 30+ weeks of this, seriously or have a massive bleed out and it will be gone or 3.) it could bleed out and I'd lose the entire pregnancy.

She instructed me to go in for another ultrasound on Monday and a blood draw to check my blood count as she suspects my iron might be low after all of this. I suspect that, too. I'm not only "pregnancy tired".....I'm "Nicole can't even handle work" tired. And I've NEVER been one to leave work for any reason other than my kid is sick, and even then I try all of my other options before leaving work. 

I'm instructed to go on bedrest when I bleed and to continue the restrictions that I've been on. I will be very honest, at this point, with how this is affecting me hormonally, emotionally, and physically, my relationship with Terry is suffering. It has been a very bad week. Excuse me while I go and cry into my pillow now. Can I be done yet?