Ultrasound

I can't believe the timing of this bedrest. There couldn't have been a better time, I feel like CRAP! People keep asking "like, baby-sick?". Ha ha, no, just regular sick. Some of my symptoms could possibly be attributed to being pregnant (like my lack of appetite), but I won't know until this stuff goes away. 

Today's ultrasound made me really nervous. I realize that bleeding can be normal during pregnancy, but it's never happened to me before and the key words are "can be" normal. I was hoping for some answers from the tech. to know whether I was suffering from a subchorionic hemorrhage (ugh, why did I even bother to google that?) or nothing at all. The tech. said she couldn't tell me, but the radiologist would be taking a look and then could give more answers. More waiting.

Upon inserting the ultrasound probe, I tried reading the tech's face to see if I could tell what she was seeing. I'm not sure why I think their facial gestures will make any difference, it's not like they'll smile or frown depending on what they see. Much to my delight, I didn't even have to ask, she turned the screen towards me and said "there's the sac, it has a yolk and fetal pole, and that flickering is the heartbeat". Yay! That's good news. But then I asked "and just to be sure, there isn't another sac, correct?" The tech. looked back at the screen, moved the wand and said "oh, there's the other one".  She also said she thought she saw two fetuses in one sac, but then quickly said that it wasn't and it was just a shadow she was seeing. Thank God. Now, most surrogates I know would be jumping for joy, feeling so grateful for this news, and very excited. I don't feel good (nasty head cold/flu), so part of my feelings could simply be just me not feeling at the top of my game today, but I am also very concerned about carrying twins, for various reasons. Some are valid and others are vain. No matter what, I am very excited for T&Y, and seeing their expression/reaction to the news, gives me all the more reason to feel happy. I know how badly they want twins, to have a genetic child for each of them. So, with this post I don't want to sound negative or unhappy, I'm just being brutally honest. Again, I don't feel well, so I'm also crabby and being difficult. Good thing I'm home and no one else has to put up with me :) 

My fears, in no particular order, that are both legitimate and also vain, again I'm being honest; 1.) I, of course, fear for the babies' safety first and foremost, as there are so many risks to pregnancy itself, much more with multiples, 2.) I fear for my own safety, especially with all that I hear and read about with the surrogates that are apart of our agency, 3.) I would like to avoid massive stretch marks and I've felt incredibly embarrassed to admit this from day 1, but it's true, especially as I have a boyfriend who has been brutally honest about appreciating my stomach now and not wanting it to change (he knows it will, of course, temporarily at the very least), and 4.) I really want to avoid a c-section if possible because I dreamed of having another uneventful vaginal delivery. Again, I am being honest. I'm not hiding my feelings or thoughts. I want others to be able to read this blog and know how I'm feeling at this very moment and it's also for me to look back on, and hopefully realize how silly I am being at feeling so scared.

After Skyping with T&Y and seeing how absolutely excited they are, it just reminds me all over again, why I chose to be a surrogate. I want to help create a family for those who have been trying so desperately to have children. Adoption is not an option for everyone and having a genetic child means more to some than others. Terry and I were watching a movie the other day where the parents adopted a child and I remember saying "I would be devastated if I couldn't have had my own genetic child before adopting". I know that, with twins, it means that T&Y will each have a genetic child. They've come a very long way to get to this point. I'm happy to make their dreams come true. As time passes and we make it from ultrasound to ultrasound, hopefully uneventfully, I will gradually become more at ease with the thought of carrying twins. Right now, I'm just pouring out the feelings that I have. The incredibly hormonal, head cold filled feelings that I have :)