Just a forewarning; I'm incredibly emotional and hormones are playing dirty tricks on me.
I've lost track of how many ultrasounds I've had so far, but I can tell you that I've had 2 already this week. Tuesday's was the one I last shared and today I had one because I started bleeding again yesterday. Like usual, it came out of nowhere, I felt the twinges and pain that I now associate with "I'm about to blow" and then it happened, while I was at work and very unprepared. I had one "diaper" on me (I call the massive pads diapers, because lets face it, that's what they feel like) and had to run to the store for more. I didn't even want to move it hurt so bad. It has taken a toll on me, emotionally, as well. I broke down and cried at work and again today while I think about how frustrated I am. I went home early today as I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to sleep, but couldn't after all.
I wasn't able to get squeezed into the fertility monitoring clinic today so we had to settle for the imaging center that did my first ultrasound. I begged the tech. to skip the "ovary check" this time as it's truly unnecessary and they are the only ones who have done it, they have to dig around to find my ovaries and it does a number on my cervix. I was already in so much discomfort in that area. She kind of hesitated and then reassured me that she'd only look at my uterus. Both babies are doing well. I'm not sure if the machine was off or if it's true, but they were measuring 1 and 2 days ahead. The bleed is much bigger. The ultrasound tech. informed me of this and then I took the liberty of looking at it, myself. It is now surrounding the sacs as well as the rest of my uterus. At this point I kind of knew to expect that it was going to be the same, or possibly bigger as it has been growing, but I wasn't going to settle for a simple one-liner e-mail from the nurse coordinator today, I demanded answers.
The nurse practitioner called me from the clinic and informed me of some things that we already kind of knew. She said that 1 of 3 things should/could happen. 1.) the hematoma could be absorbed by my body and go away (which we're already noticed, isn't happening), 2.) I could continue to bleed like I have been, regularly (I'm really not sure I could handle another 30+ weeks of this, seriously or have a massive bleed out and it will be gone or 3.) it could bleed out and I'd lose the entire pregnancy.
She instructed me to go in for another ultrasound on Monday and a blood draw to check my blood count as she suspects my iron might be low after all of this. I suspect that, too. I'm not only "pregnancy tired".....I'm "Nicole can't even handle work" tired. And I've NEVER been one to leave work for any reason other than my kid is sick, and even then I try all of my other options before leaving work.
I'm instructed to go on bedrest when I bleed and to continue the restrictions that I've been on. I will be very honest, at this point, with how this is affecting me hormonally, emotionally, and physically, my relationship with Terry is suffering. It has been a very bad week. Excuse me while I go and cry into my pillow now. Can I be done yet?
Friday, March 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
More poking and prodding
As expected, my ultrasound got bumped up from Friday to today. I went in this morning and the ultrasound revealed that both babies are still measuring spot on (YES!!) with wonderful heartbeats! The reproductive endocrinologist at that monitoring clinic was the one to preform the ultrasound (the very same guy who preformed my ultrasound that revealed our bad news with the last pregnancy). He mentioned that the "pregnancy sacs" were measuring smaller. I asked what that meant, I probably jumped halfway off the table to look at the screen when he said this, and he said that it's usually nothing, he just expected to see more fluid in the sacs. Phew!
The bleed in my uterus is about the same size as last week. I was wondering if it would be any smaller after the last bleeding episode, but I guess not. Shoot.
I was supposed to go back on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork, but thankfully the clinic was booked and we will have to postpone until Monday. I say "thankfully" because I got stabbed twice today for blood and I could use the extra few days to recover from that :) Mentally and physically.
I am still restricted from doing pretty much anything besides sitting and my normal daily routine. I expected this news as well. I don't think that will change until the bleeding resolves. I am extremely exhausted for the majority of the day and do not have an appetite (I'm even down 1 lb. from my "pre-surrogacy" weight, which means I've lost the stubborn cycling weight AND some, but I KNOW this will not last for long!). I snack often to keep from getting sick and it seems to be working so far, fingers crossed! I consider myself very blessed (I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in my last post, but I'll keep saying it), I am not suffering from the terrible morning sickness that others do. I realize this could change, but I'll take every day that I don't have morning sickness and know how lucky I am.
I e-mailed T&Y last night to let them know about the last minute bump in the ultrasound and I let them know that I had had some bleeding on Friday, so that was the reason why it was re-scheduled. If I had it my way, T&Y would have never known about the bleeding because it's just more for them to worry about (and they worry a lot). I don't want them to feel stressed over something that is quite possibly "nothing". But, on the other hand, I also felt that they should know a little more now because I would hate for 1.) them to find out and think that we are keeping things from them and 2.) if, heaven forbid, something went terribly wrong with the pregnancy and they thought it happened all of a sudden. So, with that being said, I share very minor details, I down-play it and do a lot of reassuring. I have no idea what the clinic shares with them. My coordinator and I have both asked the clinic to share the details and to be the ones to explain things as they are the medical professionals, but it's hard to know what has been shared and what hasn't been. T&Y are wonderful and always asking how I'm doing. I hope my "reassurance" is taken to heart and that they will not worry too much about the bleeding. As my mom says "one day at a time."
And now, a fun little off-topic, yet on-topic picture to share. It's the symbol for equality (in support of gay marriage). I support it!
The bleed in my uterus is about the same size as last week. I was wondering if it would be any smaller after the last bleeding episode, but I guess not. Shoot.
I was supposed to go back on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork, but thankfully the clinic was booked and we will have to postpone until Monday. I say "thankfully" because I got stabbed twice today for blood and I could use the extra few days to recover from that :) Mentally and physically.
I am still restricted from doing pretty much anything besides sitting and my normal daily routine. I expected this news as well. I don't think that will change until the bleeding resolves. I am extremely exhausted for the majority of the day and do not have an appetite (I'm even down 1 lb. from my "pre-surrogacy" weight, which means I've lost the stubborn cycling weight AND some, but I KNOW this will not last for long!). I snack often to keep from getting sick and it seems to be working so far, fingers crossed! I consider myself very blessed (I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in my last post, but I'll keep saying it), I am not suffering from the terrible morning sickness that others do. I realize this could change, but I'll take every day that I don't have morning sickness and know how lucky I am.
I e-mailed T&Y last night to let them know about the last minute bump in the ultrasound and I let them know that I had had some bleeding on Friday, so that was the reason why it was re-scheduled. If I had it my way, T&Y would have never known about the bleeding because it's just more for them to worry about (and they worry a lot). I don't want them to feel stressed over something that is quite possibly "nothing". But, on the other hand, I also felt that they should know a little more now because I would hate for 1.) them to find out and think that we are keeping things from them and 2.) if, heaven forbid, something went terribly wrong with the pregnancy and they thought it happened all of a sudden. So, with that being said, I share very minor details, I down-play it and do a lot of reassuring. I have no idea what the clinic shares with them. My coordinator and I have both asked the clinic to share the details and to be the ones to explain things as they are the medical professionals, but it's hard to know what has been shared and what hasn't been. T&Y are wonderful and always asking how I'm doing. I hope my "reassurance" is taken to heart and that they will not worry too much about the bleeding. As my mom says "one day at a time."
And now, a fun little off-topic, yet on-topic picture to share. It's the symbol for equality (in support of gay marriage). I support it!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Spring schming
I realize that the rest of the U.S probably has the same complaints about spring.....that it's really not here yet. But, we in Minnesota, are really at a gigantic disadvantage. We are still getting snow and the days aren't warming up enough to melt any of it, so it just keeps accumulating. Yuck. I can't wait for spring to finally really show it's face. Terry and I are traveling to St. Louis Missouri for his son's soccer tournament and so far it looks like it's going to be around 65 degrees while we're there.......AWESOME!!! It's as close to a "warm vacation" as we're going to get at this point and we'll take it!
Rewind back to when the nurse was talking to me about my bleed in my uterus while she was preforming the ultrasound. She was telling me that, while it's pretty big, it looked like mostly old clotted blood.......I found out Friday evening that it wasn't the case, or it certainly didn't seem like it to me. For most of the day Friday, I didn't have any hearing in my right ear, just ringing, which usually happens when I'm dehydrated or my blood pressure is out of the norm (I have pretty low blood pressure). I drank more water and noticed that it remained the same. Later that evening, I bled more than I ever have during these last 3 episodes and this time it was somewhat painful. I had strong twinges in my uterus and cervix and had dull lower back aches. I also noticed that my "ear thing" went away after I bled. Weird. The clinic was already closed so, rather than calling the emergency line (I already feel like a pain in the ass), I will notify the clinic on Monday. I seriously hope this doesn't mean another week of bedrest. I'm worried, but not as much as I would be if this had been my first episode. It comes out of nowhere, but at least I kind of know what to expect most of the time. It's annoying, frustrating and scary, but if the babies are not being harmed and I'm able to continue on with my daily life, I can learn to deal with it.
My next ultrasound is supposed to be Friday, March 29th. I'm not sure if they will bump it up due to the bleeding or leave it be, but it is so unnerving, wondering if everything is ok and this is just the "typical" bleeding again, or if something is really wrong this time.
When I go in for my next ultrasound, if all is still well and the babies are still on track, I think I will be sharing the news with Kaleb, my 7 year old. For those of you who do not know, I chose to keep things quiet (around Kaleb) until things were more "safe", if there is such a thing. As much as I wish I could have been like most surrogates who share every step with their children, I have more to consider with the fact that Kaleb's dad is ridiculous and impossible to parent with. I knew that if I shared it with Kaleb, he would share it with his dad, and his dad might make it difficult for me to prepare and travel for the embryo transfer. I just didn't want his dad to know until things were more "safe". Sad reason to hide such a big deal, I know, but once Kaleb knows, I will do my best to make him feel every bit a part of it as a kid should feel. I also didn't know how I would explain to Kaleb in the case of miscarriage, which I experienced in October for the first time myself. My sister asked during the first pregnancy if she could share it with my niece (her daughter who was 2 1/2 at the time) and I asked her not to, for that very same reason, which we came to find out just 3 days after she asked me if she could share, the fetus was no longer viable. I also felt that it wouldn't make sense to share it with my niece, before even sharing it with my own son. This time I am feeling more with the nausea and everything else, and because there are two babies, I feel that it should be shared sooner than I intended to share the last time with the singleton. Kaleb has seen the ultrasound pictures and mentioned that ultrasounds were usually for people who were having babies. He's slowly catching on, there's really no fooling him, not for much longer anyways. So far, I've been talking with Kaleb about how there are many different types of families. Some have one mommy and one daddy, some have two daddies, some have two mommies, etc. I even mentioned that I had friends who were "two daddies" and they needed help having a baby, so they could become daddies, and daddies don't carry babies, so they needed a mommy's help. Kaleb says he gets it, but I'm pretty sure it goes right over the top of his head almost every time we talk about it. It will be an interesting first reaction when he hears the news, I'm sure. Kaleb has mentioned wanting a sibling, although very infrequently, I am extremely confident that this will not be an issue with him as his sole reason for wanting to be a big brother is so that he is older than someone else in the household. That's Kaleb for you.
I am still just experiencing nausea and lack of appetite along with light headed-ness, so I am counting my blessings. I am 8 weeks pregnant today and would LOVE it if this was as bad as it gets in the case of morning sickness/nausea........but I'm not going to hold my breath :)
Rewind back to when the nurse was talking to me about my bleed in my uterus while she was preforming the ultrasound. She was telling me that, while it's pretty big, it looked like mostly old clotted blood.......I found out Friday evening that it wasn't the case, or it certainly didn't seem like it to me. For most of the day Friday, I didn't have any hearing in my right ear, just ringing, which usually happens when I'm dehydrated or my blood pressure is out of the norm (I have pretty low blood pressure). I drank more water and noticed that it remained the same. Later that evening, I bled more than I ever have during these last 3 episodes and this time it was somewhat painful. I had strong twinges in my uterus and cervix and had dull lower back aches. I also noticed that my "ear thing" went away after I bled. Weird. The clinic was already closed so, rather than calling the emergency line (I already feel like a pain in the ass), I will notify the clinic on Monday. I seriously hope this doesn't mean another week of bedrest. I'm worried, but not as much as I would be if this had been my first episode. It comes out of nowhere, but at least I kind of know what to expect most of the time. It's annoying, frustrating and scary, but if the babies are not being harmed and I'm able to continue on with my daily life, I can learn to deal with it.
My next ultrasound is supposed to be Friday, March 29th. I'm not sure if they will bump it up due to the bleeding or leave it be, but it is so unnerving, wondering if everything is ok and this is just the "typical" bleeding again, or if something is really wrong this time.
When I go in for my next ultrasound, if all is still well and the babies are still on track, I think I will be sharing the news with Kaleb, my 7 year old. For those of you who do not know, I chose to keep things quiet (around Kaleb) until things were more "safe", if there is such a thing. As much as I wish I could have been like most surrogates who share every step with their children, I have more to consider with the fact that Kaleb's dad is ridiculous and impossible to parent with. I knew that if I shared it with Kaleb, he would share it with his dad, and his dad might make it difficult for me to prepare and travel for the embryo transfer. I just didn't want his dad to know until things were more "safe". Sad reason to hide such a big deal, I know, but once Kaleb knows, I will do my best to make him feel every bit a part of it as a kid should feel. I also didn't know how I would explain to Kaleb in the case of miscarriage, which I experienced in October for the first time myself. My sister asked during the first pregnancy if she could share it with my niece (her daughter who was 2 1/2 at the time) and I asked her not to, for that very same reason, which we came to find out just 3 days after she asked me if she could share, the fetus was no longer viable. I also felt that it wouldn't make sense to share it with my niece, before even sharing it with my own son. This time I am feeling more with the nausea and everything else, and because there are two babies, I feel that it should be shared sooner than I intended to share the last time with the singleton. Kaleb has seen the ultrasound pictures and mentioned that ultrasounds were usually for people who were having babies. He's slowly catching on, there's really no fooling him, not for much longer anyways. So far, I've been talking with Kaleb about how there are many different types of families. Some have one mommy and one daddy, some have two daddies, some have two mommies, etc. I even mentioned that I had friends who were "two daddies" and they needed help having a baby, so they could become daddies, and daddies don't carry babies, so they needed a mommy's help. Kaleb says he gets it, but I'm pretty sure it goes right over the top of his head almost every time we talk about it. It will be an interesting first reaction when he hears the news, I'm sure. Kaleb has mentioned wanting a sibling, although very infrequently, I am extremely confident that this will not be an issue with him as his sole reason for wanting to be a big brother is so that he is older than someone else in the household. That's Kaleb for you.
I am still just experiencing nausea and lack of appetite along with light headed-ness, so I am counting my blessings. I am 8 weeks pregnant today and would LOVE it if this was as bad as it gets in the case of morning sickness/nausea........but I'm not going to hold my breath :)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
7 weeks 3 days
Today I went to the local fertility clinic for my 2nd ultrasound. I weighed in at my "normal" weight, AH HA!! Yes!! Granted, I've been sick with the seasonal stuff for a week and a half now, so my appetite is MIA temporarily (or maybe not so temporarily). I've also noticed how "faintish" I have been in the mornings if I don't eat something the instant I wake up. I felt this way when I was pregnant with my son. I also feel nauseous, mostly in the morning, but also during the day and evening if I don't have something in my stomach. Nothing tastes good, even though it sounds SOOOO good and I obsess about something all day, when it comes down to it, I'm simply not feelin' it. But that's ok. I feel pretty good and am happy that I'm not throwing up.......yet. I keep wondering if it will just hit me, like BAM, one morning I'll be driving to work and have to pull over. I felt like I was about to throw up on the gas station cashier yesterday, that was probably the first real bout of severe nausea that I felt. Again, nothing to complain about, I'm happy I can still stomach what I need to, and look at the bright side, I'm back to my original weight, which I tried so hard to get to before we started round 2. I've heard of so many surrogates feeling like death with terrible morning sickness the majority of their first trimester and sometimes the entire pregnancy.
The ultrasound showed two beautiful babies, measuring right on time with wonderful heartbeats. I was happy to hear that. Unfortunately, the bleed in my uterus is fairly large. When I asked the nurse how she would compare mine to others (she's seen several of them), she said mine was much bigger than the average. It worried me. Of course. She also said that it looked like old blood and clotted, so it doesn't appear to be growing or producing new blood, which is great. I expected to hear from the physician when he got the report, expressing concern and possibly restricting me again (bedrest or similar). But, much to my surprise, I simply received an e-mail from the nurse stating that "everything looks great, keep doing what you're doing, go in for another ultrasound in 10 days". I asked about the bleed and what my restrictions were.......am I able to go back to the gym, even just to walk on the treadmill? Are my boyfriend and I able to.....ahem......resume our "activity"? For those of you who are not familiar with IVF, women are placed on strict pelvic rest for a period of time.....a sometimes very long period of time, before, during, and after the IVF procedure. The answer to my questions were; no working out, no lifting more than 5 lbs., no activity outside of my daily work and home activities, and no resuming activity with my boyfriend. I get the reasons for everything and will do what I need to do, or not do, but it is just another part of the process that some people don't realize and it can be difficult and feel like torture at times. I will be a crazy woman if I get put on bedrest.....and I am all too familiar with the probability that it can happen, so I need to do as I'm told to avoid that as much as possible at this time.
The ultrasound showed two beautiful babies, measuring right on time with wonderful heartbeats. I was happy to hear that. Unfortunately, the bleed in my uterus is fairly large. When I asked the nurse how she would compare mine to others (she's seen several of them), she said mine was much bigger than the average. It worried me. Of course. She also said that it looked like old blood and clotted, so it doesn't appear to be growing or producing new blood, which is great. I expected to hear from the physician when he got the report, expressing concern and possibly restricting me again (bedrest or similar). But, much to my surprise, I simply received an e-mail from the nurse stating that "everything looks great, keep doing what you're doing, go in for another ultrasound in 10 days". I asked about the bleed and what my restrictions were.......am I able to go back to the gym, even just to walk on the treadmill? Are my boyfriend and I able to.....ahem......resume our "activity"? For those of you who are not familiar with IVF, women are placed on strict pelvic rest for a period of time.....a sometimes very long period of time, before, during, and after the IVF procedure. The answer to my questions were; no working out, no lifting more than 5 lbs., no activity outside of my daily work and home activities, and no resuming activity with my boyfriend. I get the reasons for everything and will do what I need to do, or not do, but it is just another part of the process that some people don't realize and it can be difficult and feel like torture at times. I will be a crazy woman if I get put on bedrest.....and I am all too familiar with the probability that it can happen, so I need to do as I'm told to avoid that as much as possible at this time.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Ultrasound
I can't believe the timing of this bedrest. There couldn't have been a better time, I feel like CRAP! People keep asking "like, baby-sick?". Ha ha, no, just regular sick. Some of my symptoms could possibly be attributed to being pregnant (like my lack of appetite), but I won't know until this stuff goes away.
Today's ultrasound made me really nervous. I realize that bleeding can be normal during pregnancy, but it's never happened to me before and the key words are "can be" normal. I was hoping for some answers from the tech. to know whether I was suffering from a subchorionic hemorrhage (ugh, why did I even bother to google that?) or nothing at all. The tech. said she couldn't tell me, but the radiologist would be taking a look and then could give more answers. More waiting.
Upon inserting the ultrasound probe, I tried reading the tech's face to see if I could tell what she was seeing. I'm not sure why I think their facial gestures will make any difference, it's not like they'll smile or frown depending on what they see. Much to my delight, I didn't even have to ask, she turned the screen towards me and said "there's the sac, it has a yolk and fetal pole, and that flickering is the heartbeat". Yay! That's good news. But then I asked "and just to be sure, there isn't another sac, correct?" The tech. looked back at the screen, moved the wand and said "oh, there's the other one". She also said she thought she saw two fetuses in one sac, but then quickly said that it wasn't and it was just a shadow she was seeing. Thank God. Now, most surrogates I know would be jumping for joy, feeling so grateful for this news, and very excited. I don't feel good (nasty head cold/flu), so part of my feelings could simply be just me not feeling at the top of my game today, but I am also very concerned about carrying twins, for various reasons. Some are valid and others are vain. No matter what, I am very excited for T&Y, and seeing their expression/reaction to the news, gives me all the more reason to feel happy. I know how badly they want twins, to have a genetic child for each of them. So, with this post I don't want to sound negative or unhappy, I'm just being brutally honest. Again, I don't feel well, so I'm also crabby and being difficult. Good thing I'm home and no one else has to put up with me :)
My fears, in no particular order, that are both legitimate and also vain, again I'm being honest; 1.) I, of course, fear for the babies' safety first and foremost, as there are so many risks to pregnancy itself, much more with multiples, 2.) I fear for my own safety, especially with all that I hear and read about with the surrogates that are apart of our agency, 3.) I would like to avoid massive stretch marks and I've felt incredibly embarrassed to admit this from day 1, but it's true, especially as I have a boyfriend who has been brutally honest about appreciating my stomach now and not wanting it to change (he knows it will, of course, temporarily at the very least), and 4.) I really want to avoid a c-section if possible because I dreamed of having another uneventful vaginal delivery. Again, I am being honest. I'm not hiding my feelings or thoughts. I want others to be able to read this blog and know how I'm feeling at this very moment and it's also for me to look back on, and hopefully realize how silly I am being at feeling so scared.
After Skyping with T&Y and seeing how absolutely excited they are, it just reminds me all over again, why I chose to be a surrogate. I want to help create a family for those who have been trying so desperately to have children. Adoption is not an option for everyone and having a genetic child means more to some than others. Terry and I were watching a movie the other day where the parents adopted a child and I remember saying "I would be devastated if I couldn't have had my own genetic child before adopting". I know that, with twins, it means that T&Y will each have a genetic child. They've come a very long way to get to this point. I'm happy to make their dreams come true. As time passes and we make it from ultrasound to ultrasound, hopefully uneventfully, I will gradually become more at ease with the thought of carrying twins. Right now, I'm just pouring out the feelings that I have. The incredibly hormonal, head cold filled feelings that I have :)
Today's ultrasound made me really nervous. I realize that bleeding can be normal during pregnancy, but it's never happened to me before and the key words are "can be" normal. I was hoping for some answers from the tech. to know whether I was suffering from a subchorionic hemorrhage (ugh, why did I even bother to google that?) or nothing at all. The tech. said she couldn't tell me, but the radiologist would be taking a look and then could give more answers. More waiting.
Upon inserting the ultrasound probe, I tried reading the tech's face to see if I could tell what she was seeing. I'm not sure why I think their facial gestures will make any difference, it's not like they'll smile or frown depending on what they see. Much to my delight, I didn't even have to ask, she turned the screen towards me and said "there's the sac, it has a yolk and fetal pole, and that flickering is the heartbeat". Yay! That's good news. But then I asked "and just to be sure, there isn't another sac, correct?" The tech. looked back at the screen, moved the wand and said "oh, there's the other one". She also said she thought she saw two fetuses in one sac, but then quickly said that it wasn't and it was just a shadow she was seeing. Thank God. Now, most surrogates I know would be jumping for joy, feeling so grateful for this news, and very excited. I don't feel good (nasty head cold/flu), so part of my feelings could simply be just me not feeling at the top of my game today, but I am also very concerned about carrying twins, for various reasons. Some are valid and others are vain. No matter what, I am very excited for T&Y, and seeing their expression/reaction to the news, gives me all the more reason to feel happy. I know how badly they want twins, to have a genetic child for each of them. So, with this post I don't want to sound negative or unhappy, I'm just being brutally honest. Again, I don't feel well, so I'm also crabby and being difficult. Good thing I'm home and no one else has to put up with me :)
My fears, in no particular order, that are both legitimate and also vain, again I'm being honest; 1.) I, of course, fear for the babies' safety first and foremost, as there are so many risks to pregnancy itself, much more with multiples, 2.) I fear for my own safety, especially with all that I hear and read about with the surrogates that are apart of our agency, 3.) I would like to avoid massive stretch marks and I've felt incredibly embarrassed to admit this from day 1, but it's true, especially as I have a boyfriend who has been brutally honest about appreciating my stomach now and not wanting it to change (he knows it will, of course, temporarily at the very least), and 4.) I really want to avoid a c-section if possible because I dreamed of having another uneventful vaginal delivery. Again, I am being honest. I'm not hiding my feelings or thoughts. I want others to be able to read this blog and know how I'm feeling at this very moment and it's also for me to look back on, and hopefully realize how silly I am being at feeling so scared.
Monday, March 11, 2013
6 weeks and 1 day
WARNING: This post may not be the best for the faint of heart or anyone who does not wish to hear about some of the minor gory details involved with some pregnancies (blood).
My son's birthday party was Saturday and fun for the whole family, we ate, played games, and tried to avoid the giant creepy alien that followed little children around :) Sunday we went to the Science Museum and as soon as we walked in, I felt a "gush", and then another. I knew exactly what it was.....more bleeding. I already didn't feel well with having caught the nasty cold/sore throat my son so kindly shared with me, but this just made me nervous. The last bleeding episode was minor, short lived and made sense. This time was heavier, newer and very unnerving. After I returned home and was able to sit down and rest (not like I was really exerting myself at the museum anyways), it seemed to subside for the most part, but I was still very nervous. This morning I woke up and felt sick from the cold/sore throat, so I figured I'd do my best to go to work for half of a day and then come home and rest. I e-mailed my nurse at the clinic to tell her what had happened and that it was still kind of happening, but not as bad. I figured she'd e-mail me back and tell me to take it easy, maybe order me in for more bloodwork and go from there. My phone rang and it was the nurse telling me that it's very common to have bleeding episodes in the first trimester of pregnancies (IVF pregnancies mostly) and that usually it is nothing to worry about. I liked the sound of that. Whew. But, then she went on to tell me that I was ordered to go home on bedrest..........for the entire week...........and then I'd have an ultrasound on Wednesday. Wait, did she just pull the "good, bad, good sandwhich" on me? That's where you need to give someone bad news or news that you know they won't like, and you sandwhich it with good news so it doesn't seem as bad. I know that drill. Well, it worked on me. I'm not excited about being home from work all week, hell, I can't even stand being home for one whole day, but there's nothing I can do about it and I brought some work home with me so I could get some things done while I do nothing at all. My parents have been AMAZING and supportive. My mom said she and my dad would help in any way they could (cooking, taking care of Kaleb, etc.) Terry is supportive although he doesn't show it right away, later he asked what he could do and has already asked what I want him to pick up for dinner. I'm a very independent person, so it's very hard for me to accept help from others, especially when I "feel fine". I already told a friend/co-worker, while on the phone, not to "tell on me" because I was making some food in the microwave and I knew she could hear the beeping in the background. Shhhhh. I'm really hoping that Wednesday will bring good news and answers so we can relax a little on this already wild ride. I have one more week of free streaming Netflix. I will survive. I can do this. I'm 2 hours into bedrest. And.......I'm bored.
My son's birthday party was Saturday and fun for the whole family, we ate, played games, and tried to avoid the giant creepy alien that followed little children around :) Sunday we went to the Science Museum and as soon as we walked in, I felt a "gush", and then another. I knew exactly what it was.....more bleeding. I already didn't feel well with having caught the nasty cold/sore throat my son so kindly shared with me, but this just made me nervous. The last bleeding episode was minor, short lived and made sense. This time was heavier, newer and very unnerving. After I returned home and was able to sit down and rest (not like I was really exerting myself at the museum anyways), it seemed to subside for the most part, but I was still very nervous. This morning I woke up and felt sick from the cold/sore throat, so I figured I'd do my best to go to work for half of a day and then come home and rest. I e-mailed my nurse at the clinic to tell her what had happened and that it was still kind of happening, but not as bad. I figured she'd e-mail me back and tell me to take it easy, maybe order me in for more bloodwork and go from there. My phone rang and it was the nurse telling me that it's very common to have bleeding episodes in the first trimester of pregnancies (IVF pregnancies mostly) and that usually it is nothing to worry about. I liked the sound of that. Whew. But, then she went on to tell me that I was ordered to go home on bedrest..........for the entire week...........and then I'd have an ultrasound on Wednesday. Wait, did she just pull the "good, bad, good sandwhich" on me? That's where you need to give someone bad news or news that you know they won't like, and you sandwhich it with good news so it doesn't seem as bad. I know that drill. Well, it worked on me. I'm not excited about being home from work all week, hell, I can't even stand being home for one whole day, but there's nothing I can do about it and I brought some work home with me so I could get some things done while I do nothing at all. My parents have been AMAZING and supportive. My mom said she and my dad would help in any way they could (cooking, taking care of Kaleb, etc.) Terry is supportive although he doesn't show it right away, later he asked what he could do and has already asked what I want him to pick up for dinner. I'm a very independent person, so it's very hard for me to accept help from others, especially when I "feel fine". I already told a friend/co-worker, while on the phone, not to "tell on me" because I was making some food in the microwave and I knew she could hear the beeping in the background. Shhhhh. I'm really hoping that Wednesday will bring good news and answers so we can relax a little on this already wild ride. I have one more week of free streaming Netflix. I will survive. I can do this. I'm 2 hours into bedrest. And.......I'm bored.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Moving along
This week has been so crazy. On Monday I had a repeat beta and the results were 3,873, which is very good! I was hoping I'd get to skip along to scheduling a heartbeat ultrasound (hb u/s) in the next week or so, but was told to go back on Wednesday for yet another round of bloodwork. Monday afternoon, my son's school called to tell me Kaleb was running 103 degree temp. and not feeling well. He gets this annual cough/fever deal and it's terrible :( I also have a ridiculously hard time missing work because I don't do it often and I have a lot on my plate right now. All I could think about was "how am I going to take a whole day off?" Well, our snow storm made that decision a hell of a lot easier for me, let me tell you that! I wouldn't have been able to get out of my garage/driveway/culdesac before noon if I had tried. I couldn't have asked for a better sick/stay-home-from-work day! Also, it was the first night of swimming lessons and I was sad that Kaleb would have to miss it, until I realized that he didn't because it was also cancelled. Perfect timing!
Wednesday I went back in for my last beta, woo hoo! The results...7,801. Still on the up and up! I was hoping to hear that I'd get to schedule a hb u/s in the next week or so and also lower my estrogen doseage. The massive dose of estrogen (patches and injections) gives me hot flashes and makes my uterus feel heavy.......we won't even begin to talk about mood swings and irritability, I'd have to dedicate a whole new blog just for that topic :) I keep my attitude in check for the most part, but I scream under my breath and throw imaginary estrogen induced tantrums and feel like crying over nothing, a lot. The doc called and informed me that I would be staying on the same estrogen doseage and the hb u/s would be scheduled in 2 weeks. TWO LOOOOONG weeks?! *insert imaginary estrogen induced tantrum here*. I just thanked him for the results and told him how excited I was that everything was going well. I really am very thankful and happy that things are going well, even if I need 30 seconds to just deal with it and understand that 2 weeks is really not that long to wait.
Thursday evening when I returned home from work, I noticed that I had spotted a little bit of brighter red blood. Although this does not always necessarily mean bad news, it can be cause for concern. I called the clinic to see what I should do. They said I should have more bloodwork the next morning and stay home from work. All I heard was "bloodwork and home from work". **insert another mini estrogen induced tantrum here** My spotting quit almost as quickly as it started, so I was not concerned and figured it had something to do with the amount of estrogen I was on. Of all things to worry about, I sure seem to choose the smallest things, and then I chose not to feel concerned over bleeding when other surrogates would have been freaking out. I just had a feeling it would turn out to be nothing.
Friday morning Kaleb had an appointment, I rushed him off to school afterwards and then I ran to the lab for bloodwork, and then to work just to see if I could persuade my coordinator to allow me to work. She said that I would need clearance from the physician, so I waited and waited until the clinic called to tell me that I could work as long as I behaved and took it easy......it took some convincing on my part. I promised and I behaved. If I had felt that I needed to be home resting, I wouldn't hesitate to do so and wouldn't put the pregnancy at risk, but I really didn't feel any reason to be concerned with what I was experiencing. I also received my results and my beta is now 14,081 while my estrogen is SKY HIGH. So I was instructed to take off my patches and to lower my delestrogen starting on my next injection.....HALLELUIAH!
I am not spotting anymore, my levels are great, my estrogen dose has been lowered, my son is feeling better (his birthday is tomorrow), and I was able to get some work done! I'd say it's been a rather crazy, yet wonderful week!
Wednesday I went back in for my last beta, woo hoo! The results...7,801. Still on the up and up! I was hoping to hear that I'd get to schedule a hb u/s in the next week or so and also lower my estrogen doseage. The massive dose of estrogen (patches and injections) gives me hot flashes and makes my uterus feel heavy.......we won't even begin to talk about mood swings and irritability, I'd have to dedicate a whole new blog just for that topic :) I keep my attitude in check for the most part, but I scream under my breath and throw imaginary estrogen induced tantrums and feel like crying over nothing, a lot. The doc called and informed me that I would be staying on the same estrogen doseage and the hb u/s would be scheduled in 2 weeks. TWO LOOOOONG weeks?! *insert imaginary estrogen induced tantrum here*. I just thanked him for the results and told him how excited I was that everything was going well. I really am very thankful and happy that things are going well, even if I need 30 seconds to just deal with it and understand that 2 weeks is really not that long to wait.
Thursday evening when I returned home from work, I noticed that I had spotted a little bit of brighter red blood. Although this does not always necessarily mean bad news, it can be cause for concern. I called the clinic to see what I should do. They said I should have more bloodwork the next morning and stay home from work. All I heard was "bloodwork and home from work". **insert another mini estrogen induced tantrum here** My spotting quit almost as quickly as it started, so I was not concerned and figured it had something to do with the amount of estrogen I was on. Of all things to worry about, I sure seem to choose the smallest things, and then I chose not to feel concerned over bleeding when other surrogates would have been freaking out. I just had a feeling it would turn out to be nothing.
Friday morning Kaleb had an appointment, I rushed him off to school afterwards and then I ran to the lab for bloodwork, and then to work just to see if I could persuade my coordinator to allow me to work. She said that I would need clearance from the physician, so I waited and waited until the clinic called to tell me that I could work as long as I behaved and took it easy......it took some convincing on my part. I promised and I behaved. If I had felt that I needed to be home resting, I wouldn't hesitate to do so and wouldn't put the pregnancy at risk, but I really didn't feel any reason to be concerned with what I was experiencing. I also received my results and my beta is now 14,081 while my estrogen is SKY HIGH. So I was instructed to take off my patches and to lower my delestrogen starting on my next injection.....HALLELUIAH!
I am not spotting anymore, my levels are great, my estrogen dose has been lowered, my son is feeling better (his birthday is tomorrow), and I was able to get some work done! I'd say it's been a rather crazy, yet wonderful week!
Friday, March 1, 2013
Post bed rest, post transfer, post beta
I've been meaning to update but have been so busy after returning from CA. Bed rest was very boring, as expected, with nothing very exciting to report about it. I totally forgot to mention the fact that, when we arrived in CA and went grocery shopping we came across some giant frosted coconut cupcakes from Sam's club. They were so delicious, we had TWELVE over the next week! Ahhhhhh! We definitely took it as an opportunity to watch movies and eat a lot of food (some of which was new to us and very good!) that would later stick to our waistlines. Terry doesn't seem to care about that part as much as I do. I seriously can't wait until I can head back to the gym!
I had been feeling some cramping since the first day of the transfer, which surprised me as that didn't happen the last time, but I knew it was normal and to be expected, and also sometimes a good sign.
Good news, the boobs came back! I wonder if I can figure out a way to get progesterone via the black market and if that would be cheaper than a boob lift. Because if it is......I'm totally interested! Hey, I'll take what I can get! I also started taking tests at home and received a positive test just 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). Although very exciting, I also had the same thing happen last time and my first beta was 58. I felt positive about this time, but was trying to prepare myself as well. I swear I'm not a negative Nancy, I've just learned to be very cautiously optimistic, not only with surrogacy, but pretty much for most things in life.
I've been going to a different place to have my blood work and ultrasounds this time around. They are both very quick to get results and have always been pretty on top of it with our surrogates and egg donors through the agency because they are a lab and that's "what they do". I was really excited about this because last time the clinic we were using was pretty uneducated about how to get the beta results to my coordinator and the clinic and refused to follow orders from another physician. It was probably one of the most frustrating experiences yet. I wanted to rip my hair out the last time. So imagine my relief to know that this "new" place would do a much better job at getting my results to the appropriate people in a reasonable amount of time. Well, again, very frustrating. After waiting 6 hours without receiving any results (they usually take 3 hours), we began to get a little worried and started calling. I should mention that T&Y had called me numerous times, beginning just an hour or two after I had my blood drawn. Talk about pressure. We were all anxious for the same reasons. My orders were STAT, meaning they needed to receive and send results ASAP (same day, within hours). The lab told my coordinator that my progesterone and estradiol levels were ready, but that because my beta was "not STAT", they would have them "next day". Ummm...nope. That wasn't gonna work for me. Not again. I wasn't about to wait another minute, and our orders WERE STAT. I seriously began to think this was just some very bad luck. Maybe this was a sign?
I went back to my desk to try to get some things done and keep occupied. Soon after, my coordinator came marching in my room with a couple of numbers written on a sticky note and with quite the mischievous look on her face. She showed me the note and I scanned it until I reached the bottom and read the number next to "beta HCG". All this time I had been saying I'd feel confident and satisfied with a "healthy number" like 150 or 190. The number that was written down, was much much higher than that. THE number was 1,179. My coordinator and co-workers say they wish they could have captured my reaction. It was a very blank and confused stare before I turned bright red, my body temp. went up about 100 degrees, and then I felt like I was about to wind up on the floor. I said "no way!". "That is NOT the number. Seriously, what is it? Are you sure it isn't from my 3rd beta results the last time? It can't be! That's super high!" I specifically told her that she was not allowed to mess with me that day when the results came in. Normally we'd kid around with each other and would never waste an opportunity like this to scare the crap out of each other. Well she wasn't messing around with me. I made her confirm before I would agree to sit down to video Skype T&Y to tell them because I was so shocked. When T&Y answered their Skype, they were smiling sweetly and I could tell they had been sitting there all day, just waiting. Y said, "well, you're smiling!" So right away they knew it was, at the very least, good news. I reminded them of our first number the last time and then I revealed the number we have this time. They were floored, excited, ecstatic, smiling, laughing, hugging, it was so amazing! It took all I had to keep from crying (happy tears). I'm so glad we were able to have that moment together. We didn't have that the last time. I think I just might have received a very small glimpse of what it will be like the moment they become parents.
After all of the excitement and shock, I am still trying to wrap my head around this number. It is a little scary. I'm happy for T&Y and I feel a sense of relief and satisfaction with the belief that this might be it. I have a repeat beta on Monday (which is standard for La Jolla IVF), and hope to learn that my number has multiplied appropriately. Lets just hope it doesn't take all damn day to get these results this time, because if that's the case, I'll be showing up at the crack of dawn to have my blood drawn. Seriously.
After Monday's results, as long as everything looks good, I'll either have another repeat beta, or possibly be instructed to move ahead to scheduling our first heartbeat ultrasound! I'm also looking forward to having my delestrogen dose decreased, hopefully sooner than later.
I had been feeling some cramping since the first day of the transfer, which surprised me as that didn't happen the last time, but I knew it was normal and to be expected, and also sometimes a good sign.
Good news, the boobs came back! I wonder if I can figure out a way to get progesterone via the black market and if that would be cheaper than a boob lift. Because if it is......I'm totally interested! Hey, I'll take what I can get! I also started taking tests at home and received a positive test just 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). Although very exciting, I also had the same thing happen last time and my first beta was 58. I felt positive about this time, but was trying to prepare myself as well. I swear I'm not a negative Nancy, I've just learned to be very cautiously optimistic, not only with surrogacy, but pretty much for most things in life.
I've been going to a different place to have my blood work and ultrasounds this time around. They are both very quick to get results and have always been pretty on top of it with our surrogates and egg donors through the agency because they are a lab and that's "what they do". I was really excited about this because last time the clinic we were using was pretty uneducated about how to get the beta results to my coordinator and the clinic and refused to follow orders from another physician. It was probably one of the most frustrating experiences yet. I wanted to rip my hair out the last time. So imagine my relief to know that this "new" place would do a much better job at getting my results to the appropriate people in a reasonable amount of time. Well, again, very frustrating. After waiting 6 hours without receiving any results (they usually take 3 hours), we began to get a little worried and started calling. I should mention that T&Y had called me numerous times, beginning just an hour or two after I had my blood drawn. Talk about pressure. We were all anxious for the same reasons. My orders were STAT, meaning they needed to receive and send results ASAP (same day, within hours). The lab told my coordinator that my progesterone and estradiol levels were ready, but that because my beta was "not STAT", they would have them "next day". Ummm...nope. That wasn't gonna work for me. Not again. I wasn't about to wait another minute, and our orders WERE STAT. I seriously began to think this was just some very bad luck. Maybe this was a sign?
I went back to my desk to try to get some things done and keep occupied. Soon after, my coordinator came marching in my room with a couple of numbers written on a sticky note and with quite the mischievous look on her face. She showed me the note and I scanned it until I reached the bottom and read the number next to "beta HCG". All this time I had been saying I'd feel confident and satisfied with a "healthy number" like 150 or 190. The number that was written down, was much much higher than that. THE number was 1,179. My coordinator and co-workers say they wish they could have captured my reaction. It was a very blank and confused stare before I turned bright red, my body temp. went up about 100 degrees, and then I felt like I was about to wind up on the floor. I said "no way!". "That is NOT the number. Seriously, what is it? Are you sure it isn't from my 3rd beta results the last time? It can't be! That's super high!" I specifically told her that she was not allowed to mess with me that day when the results came in. Normally we'd kid around with each other and would never waste an opportunity like this to scare the crap out of each other. Well she wasn't messing around with me. I made her confirm before I would agree to sit down to video Skype T&Y to tell them because I was so shocked. When T&Y answered their Skype, they were smiling sweetly and I could tell they had been sitting there all day, just waiting. Y said, "well, you're smiling!" So right away they knew it was, at the very least, good news. I reminded them of our first number the last time and then I revealed the number we have this time. They were floored, excited, ecstatic, smiling, laughing, hugging, it was so amazing! It took all I had to keep from crying (happy tears). I'm so glad we were able to have that moment together. We didn't have that the last time. I think I just might have received a very small glimpse of what it will be like the moment they become parents.
After all of the excitement and shock, I am still trying to wrap my head around this number. It is a little scary. I'm happy for T&Y and I feel a sense of relief and satisfaction with the belief that this might be it. I have a repeat beta on Monday (which is standard for La Jolla IVF), and hope to learn that my number has multiplied appropriately. Lets just hope it doesn't take all damn day to get these results this time, because if that's the case, I'll be showing up at the crack of dawn to have my blood drawn. Seriously.
After Monday's results, as long as everything looks good, I'll either have another repeat beta, or possibly be instructed to move ahead to scheduling our first heartbeat ultrasound! I'm also looking forward to having my delestrogen dose decreased, hopefully sooner than later.
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