Time to take a sick day :(

Today I had an appointment for a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork. I went in to my appointment with optimism and good feelings. I knew that there were things to be concerned about from the last appointment, but I had this feeling that everything would be "ok" today. Wrong.

The RE at the monitoring clinic was the one to perform the ultrasound. The minute I saw the screen I could tell, "no cardiac activity". Those words stung more than I had ever anticipated. I might have anticipated never getting a BFP or a positive beta. Even after a positive beta I might have anticipated the first heartbeat ultrasound revealing that there wasn't a heartbeat, but THIS, having a "strong" heartbeat and then no heartbeat at all, I never anticipated. I know it's "part of surrogacy" and happens to surrogates. I read about it a lot, and yet you never expect it to happen to you. I certainly didn't. I realize it's most likely an embryo issue and had nothing to do with "me", but it still hurts.

I didn't even reach the parking ramp before I broke down in tears. I sent a quick message to a couple of people who were anxiously waiting to hear. I decided to take the rest of the day off of work and cried all the way home.

I'm so afraid of the impending miscarriage and have so many questions about it (I hope to hear from my RE soon). I wonder, how soon can we start everything again? But then I hate the fact that we're starting ALLLL over again and I feel like we've made it THIS far. I'm already thinking "how will I take another week off of work, how will I have someone care for my son for one whole week, how will I get this far again without feeling paranoid and anxious because of what happened?" 

I think it will help to read others' experiences because I know they're out there and I'm not alone. I know I'll feel better tomorrow.  I am so lucky for all of the supportive friends and family, I can't even begin to describe the warmth I feel from them, thank you all.

Trying to stay positive

The doctor called yesterday (later in the day, didn't have a chance to include this in my original post) and he sounded pretty concerned about the measurements. I was surprised to hear him sound concerned, he's always been the positive one to tell me not to worry about anything. The first words out of his mouth were "so they seem to be concerned about the smaller measurements". I wasn't sure who "they" were because I thought "he" was the only person that mattered and the nurse who performed the U/S said herself that the heartbeat is reassuring and that she wouldn't be worried. Now, I understand she could have been telling me this because I'm not her patient and she wanted the Doctor's opinion, but she convinced ME, THEE Worrier, NOT to worry. The Doctor also said that it could be an embryo issue and to continue taking my meds and go in for another U/S in 10-14 days. 

I went straight to the computer to look up others who have experienced smaller measurements this early on but turned out to be just fine (I didn't find many that had a good result). I started counting on my fingers and trying to reason with the measurements, "it was just 9 days between scans, it grew 6 days "bigger", that's not THAT bad", and "maybe it was just curled up a little so she didn't get the entire measurement from head to toe", whatever I can wrap my mind around. Basically, I'm going to drive myself, along with everyone around me, crazy for the next 9 days.............sorry! I can't help but worry now :(

Heartbeat Ultrasound - take 2

Today we had a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork to check on the progress. As hard as I try to read the nurse's face when she initially looks at the ultrasound image, I give up within 30 seconds and blurt out "everything look ok? Is "it" still in there? Is there a heartbeat?". I can tell she's amused (or maybe annoyed?), she smiles and nods and says "yes" and that she's checking on everything. 

When I went in for my last ultrasound, the gestational age given by the transfer date had put me at 6w5d, but the measurements were putting me at 6w3d (not a big difference, totally normal). This time the gestational age given by the transfer date put me at 8 weeks and the measurements were putting me at 7w2d, so I'm a little concerned about that, but the nurse said that the heartbeat is reassuring and that's the most important part at this point. I decided to settle with the statement "in a normal pregnancy, we wouldn't be monitoring like this, and it would be totally normal because we would never know".........I'm ok with that for now.

I'm feeling more and more tired every day and sometimes regretting having eaten more than I should have (when normally I would feel just fine). I'm also feeling light headed quite a bit....so 7 years ago is ALLL coming back to me now :). I'm still hanging on to hope that I can just skip the whole nausea/sick part. Here's to hoping!

1st ultrasound

October 10th - first ultrasound, we were all looking SO forward to that! I went to the monitoring clinic that I have been going to for this entire process. The first person I see in the clinic is the "bad" nurse (by bad, I just mean that drawing blood is not her strongest point). Mid-draw, the nurse asks "so what type of treatment plan are you on". I asked what she meant by that and she asked if I was going to be an egg donor or a surrogate or what. HUH?! Keep in mind, she has the orders which clearly state "estradiol, progesterone, and P-R-E-G-N-A-N-C-Y ultrasound" right in front of her. When I explained that I was there for my bloods and my very first pregnancy ultrasound to detect heartbeat, she had this very confused look on her face and said "oh, we don't do those". WHAT?! I think I've been doing a very good job of keeping my cool for the most part, with all these hormones and being just plain pregnant, but this annoyed me. The crazy hormonal pregnant part of my mind actually thought, "I'm not leaving without the ultrasound, I'll do it myself!". But lets get real, I left the clinic and let my coordinator know that the clinic does not do these ultrasound for people who are not "their" patients. Of course the only thing I wanted to do was pout and cry. I really feel that the hormones do not affect me until plans change. When plans change, things get pretty ridiculous.

Having a rockstar for a coordinator helps tremendously; I was able to get in for my ultrasound at another clinic just a couple of hours later.

I wasn't able to view the screen, so I was trying to read the nurse's expression and seeing her squint was making me nervous. I finally asked "so..can you see how many are in there? Do you see a heartbeat? Does everything look ok?". Her answers: "yes, I see one fetus and everything is measuring right on track". Phew! What a relief!

Here is a pretty little picture of what I hope will turn out to be one very healthy baby :)